PRIDE'S ENTRIES


Week Ending September 19, 2004:

I handed out flyers for my new Cable Show in Tompkins Square Park and ended up being invited to a jam session at a neighborhood Senior Citizen center by a very friendly elderly lady, Mrs. Edith Shoemaker.  You can imagine my surprise when I entered the rec room and saw tons of empty glass jars and a steaming pot of blueberry preserves!! Come to think of it, Mrs. Shoemaker didn't strike me as particularly musical.  But Papa and I have had blueberry toast with our morning infusions every day this week!  Yum yummy!

Week Ending September 26, 2004:

I sprained my middle finger practicing my triangle solo for a new song!  Doc says it should be as good as new in a couple of days.  Which is perfect, since Papa and I have our annual Soul Family Reunion Bowling Meet next weekend.  The dates for our October shows in NYC have been confirmed, the 10th and the 11th.  So, Papa and I plan to stay put in the city at least until then.  To keep inspired for the October gigs, Papa took me to see the show STOMP!  I had heard wonderful things, but there's nothing like seeing it LIVE for yourself!  My favorite part was when those guys in the blue body paint splashed the water - I couldn't stop squealing!  Next week, Papa may take me to see De La Guarda and I can't wait because I'm a huge fan of Savion Glover!

Week Ending October 3rd, 2004:

My finger seems to have healed nicely - the recorder solo that I performed last Wednesday at the Larchmont Knitting Club's "Precious Purl Tea Time Social" was a huge success.  I got three FREE balls of yarn (which my cat LOVES!).  Ragweed season has been hitting me pretty hard, so I've been resting up for our upcoming gig this weekend.  Anti-histamine makes me pretty LOOPY!  It seems to have no effect on Papa, though.  (And he doesn't even have allergies!)

Week Ending October 10th, 2004:

Papa and I worked really hard all week for our gigs at EST's Octoberfest (we now have 40 minutes of fun and song to share!)  We were a little bummed though - we didn't realize that October 11th was Columbus Day when Octoberfest was booked, and so we had to cancel our planned appearance as "Nina" and "Pinta" in the Columbus Day Parade in NYC.  I still have paper mache stuck under my fingernails!  October 9th was my birthday, and so Papa and my cat sang their own rendition of "Happy Birthday" that they practiced (I don't know how Papa was able to get those tones from my cat!  Papa was hugging him SO TIGHT, I think he was a bit nervous about pulling the song off, so cute!)  Our performances at EST went very well, we had a wonderful gathering of very supportive friends and family!

Week Ending October 17th, 2004:

Papa and I sang the National Anthem at the start of Game 2 of the Yankees vs. Red Sox!  Although it was hard to project over the jukebox playing in Sal's Sports Bar at the time, and people kept throwing peanuts at Papa (his fro was blocking the TV screen), our performance was an overall success!  Some of the patrons even taught us how to play "Quarters" - I now understand how money can cause headaches!!  Papa had an amazing stroke of beginner's luck, one would have thought he's played the game many times before! (He is so talented!).  I also started a petition to have cheerleaders for the Yankees.  I thought perhaps a few cool, acrobatic chicks doing funky jazz moves and waving some colorful pompoms might help to spruce up the game of baseball (it is SO SLOW!).  The idea was an overnight hit with most of the patrons - by the seventh inning, I had over 100 signatures.  I didn't realize how many guys were named Seymour Bush in New York City!  I think about 75!

Week Ending October 24th, 2004:

Papa and I have been preparing for our upcoming performance on Election Eve (Nov. 1) at EST (9:30 pm!) in NYC.  Upon the suggestion of Papa that we broaden our minds and try new experiences, we took a little road trip to check out Pennsylvania, the Swing State!  However, we were promptly asked to leave by the authorities after asking the Sherriff and his wife, Georgia, if they wanted to join us back at our hotel room for a couple of hours.  How embarrassing!  I guess Pennsylvania is not that swinging after all.

Week Ending October 31st, 2004:

Papa and I decided to host a Haunted House for Halloween!  The prospects looked great for a FUN-derful event.  We got a great deal at Costco's on toilet paper for Papa's "The Mummy" costume and on cranberry juice as a blood substitute for my "Countess Dracula" costume (I knew we should've bought the SWEETENED kind - but my bladder sure feels healthy!)  While our Haunted House was an overall success, there are definitely things that we would do differently next time.  I guess the sight of two scary creatures singing "The Monster Mash" on guitar doesn't quite pack the same punch it did in my household when I was coming up!  And the children were very vocal about how "unscary" it was (exactly how DOES one play a guitar out of one's ass?).  We've decided not to repeat the "Mummifying Death" attraction in which Papa wraps an unsuspecting Trick-Or-Treater in toilet paper and locks them in a broom closet for an hour (we have a meeting with our lawyer tomorrow - we NEVER imagined that the boy was asthmatic; we thought he was just obsessive about fresh breath).  And I guess turning off all the lights and letting my cat swing suspended from a wire in his little bat costume that Papa made over the heads of the children, claws exposed and making these weird cat noises, was particularly traumatizing (not to mention painful).  Well, like I always say, live and learn!

Week Ending November 7th, 2004:

Papa and I announced, through song of course, our candidacy for the 2004 Presidential Elections at Bull McCabe's in NYC on Election Eve (PP 4 PREZ)!!  Better late than never!  We didn't win.  I guess people were too afraid of Papa's overwhelming magnetism and eloquence and decided to play it safe.  But we aren't discouraged.  In fact just two days ago, Papa recommenced his research on keeping America's grass greener - he's assembled grass samples from all over the country and is igniting them, one by one, in order to assess their degree of flammability in an effort to combat and prevent devastating park fires, his strongest platform.  Papa says that the grass that has the most dangerous fire-causing potential leaves a certain taste in the mouth when it is inhaled, so he's in the basement smoking away!  So far, all sixty-three samples have proven to be safe strains, so Papa has called in for more samples.  Some of the grass gives off the strangest odor when lit, but I have to say, in the last two days, my appetite has been great and I can't remember having slept better!

Week Ending November 14th, 2004:

It was a hard week for me.  I threw out my shoulder during an impromptu appearance at Rainbow Garden, a private kindergarten school in Edison, NJ.  I guess the word "mosh" is not part of the average five-year old's vocabulary!  What was even worse than the pain of my shoulder upon impact with the gym floor was the high-pitched screeches and yelps that erupted out of the wide-eyed youngsters when they saw me flying off the stage above them.  The sound still echoes in my ears.  Thank Heavens that little Stacy Perkins is a runner, she stood there the longest, the trooper!  That would have been even more disastrous!

Week Ending November 21st, 2004:

Papa and I were in Canada this week - well, I should clarify.  I went to Canada to retrieve Papa and bring him home.  He started a Bush Defect movement and set up a small colony of American ex-pats along the canal in Ottawa.  I thought he was just going out for some milk, but when two days passed and he still hadn't returned, my cat and I just knew something was up.  Not to mention that our bowls of rice krispies were getting stale (my cat is partial to the Cocoa Krispies; he likes to make chocolate swirls with his paws, so cute!).  I saw that the last site Papa logged onto on the computer was the mating ritual of the Canadian Moose, so I knew - Ottawa!  Once I found Papa and his colony of "Soul-ites" (I believe that's what they called themselves), Papa was ready to come home.  He's never really liked the cold, the wind makes it hard to light up.  So, we packed up.  To avoid a huge commotion of disappointment, we told the Soul-ites that we were going to pick up some milk.  I think they'll get the picture eventually.

Week Ending November 28th, 2004:

A week of Thanksgiving!  Papa and I decided to show our thanks for our many blessings by partaking in public service.  First, we directed an original production, entitled The First Thanksgiving, at The Washington Heights Community Center.  Local residents began a heated protest, calling our play a "blood-bath".  Then, we volunteered our services at a food kitchen on Thanksgiving Day.  I guess people thought we were singing waiters, they kept handing us trays of food to pass around while we were in the middle of our set.  That was funny!

Week Ending December 5th, 2004:

Papa and I appeared at the Christmas Tree Lighting in Rockefeller Center in NYC.  However, we ended up having to postpone our set until next Christmas season due to a mishap that occurred when my cat, whom I brought along to play congas, accidentally got his tail caught in one of the plug outlets on the extension cord for the tree lights.  The voltage shot him straight to the top of the tree, where the weight of his body dislodged the angel made of genuine Austrian crystal, causing it to plummet and smash into a million pieces.  Thanks to our lawyer, we didn't have to shell out any cash for damages.  I just have to leave my cat up there (yes, he's okay!) at the top of the tree until after the New Year.  Luckily, I just put him on an all-green plant diet, so the pine needles should keep him from getting hungry.  With his body still glowing from the shock, no one can tell it's not crystal!  He really is a little angel!

Week Ending December 12th, 2004:

Papa and I have been busy preparing for our run this week at Theater for the New City, in New York City.  I didn't realize that New York was a NEW city!  Now I'm even more excited!   We decided to do an impromptu sampling of songs, as a sort of preview, on the number 4 train to promote the show.  Unfortunately, in the end, I had to take Papa to the hospital after a sudden jerk of the train caused Papa to lose his grip as he was performing a new pole dance he had prepared for the show.  I think we may have gained a few more fans though; the whole car clapped as the MTA Paramedics carried Papa off the train.  And who said New Yorkers were mean?!  Papa is back to his old self, although he has decided to nix the debut of his pole dance until a later date.

Week Ending December 19th, 2004:
Papa and I had a successful run of our show at Theater for the New City; lots of wonderful supportive people came to the performances, which is always reassuring! I crocheted some legwarmers for my cat; with the temperature drop, I don't want him to catch a cold atop the Rockefeller Center tree (only 12 more days to go!). Luckily, my 4H Club tree climbing skills won't go to waste!  Papa and I did some volunteering with the Salvation Army one morning and sang some songs on Fifth Avenue in the Santa and Mrs. Claus outfits they gave us.  Unfortunately, we were given a citation - who knew you need a license for 9 dancing reindeer on the sidewalks between the hours of 8am and 6pm?!  All eleven of us have to appear in front of the judge on the 23rd!  If I thought Papa hogged the covers, well, it's like an all-out tug-of-war every night with those reindeer!  I knew we should have gotten a pull-out sofa!

Week Ending December 26th, 2004:

Well, we weren't charged for the reindeer infraction last week, just a little slap on the hands and a warning - turns out the judge caught our show last Spring at First Wok Take-Out in Deluth, MI, so he was more than willing to help us out.  Papa and I had a wonderful Christmas!  We decided to keep it traditional this year: Christmas tree, popcorn garland, gingerbread house, cider, holiday cookies, nude body painting, whipcream, Yoko Ono's "Let's Go A-Caroling", pink fuzzy handcuffs.  So sweet!  I just love the holidays!

 

Week Ending January 2nd, 2005:

Well it has been a happy New Year indeed and for New Year's Eve, Papa and I had a ball.  Literally.  Thanks to Papa and his notorious shortcuts, we survived the throng at Times Square to arrive DIRECTLY under the ball at the precise moment that it was finishing its festive drop! Doctors say my bangs should grow back in within weeks.  Talk about seeing fireworks!  But it didn't stop Papa and I from sharing our annual New Year's kiss!  Yes, it is LOVE. 

 

Week Ending January 9th, 2005:

My cat has returned from his three-week stint atop the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree unscathed!  It is great to have him back.  The vet gave him a "two paws up" after carefully removing 30-some pine needles from his tail and hind legs.  I have to say, there's nothing like that wintery pine scent to brighten up the house!  Our computer crashed!  Luckily, Papa was wearing his steel-toe tap shoes for his weekly "Tap Intensive" that he teaches at the Senior Citizen Center up the block, so he didn't feel a thing.

 

Week Ending January 16th, 2005:

Papa and I went for a Couple's Waxing at the spa!  Unfortunately, there was a bit of a mix up.  But I must say, my back has never felt smoother, and Papa has the smoothest legs on the block!  (However, right about now, my cat is FREEZING).

 

Week Ending January 23rd, 2005:

So...cold...so...much...snow!  It hurts to type.  My hands are killing me after spending three hours digging Papa out of the snow - he fell asleep (AGAIN) in our tour car making a hot cup of Ovaltine (our stove is on the blink) just as the blizzard was beginning!  Mom was right, Ovaltine is a real life saver!

Week Ending January 30th, 2005:

Papa and I were celebrity judges at the 3rd Annual Snow Angel Festival Competition in the Berkshires, where local residents of all ages flail their arms and legs in the snow in the hopes of bringing home the much coveted top prize of Most Authentic Snow Angel.  The winner receives a year supply of Granny's Corn Husk Oil, to battle winter-chapped skin, as well as their own Snow Angel Statuette, sculpted completely out of ice (a lasting memento of their angel making prowess, as long as the temperatures remain below freezing).  Papa and I couldn't resist joining in the snow angel fun.  Unfortunately, the festival directors were appalled by our tandem snow angel rendering of the miracle of birth, calling it "inappropriately graphic."  We were asked to step down as judges...and to leave the premises.  It was a cold and quiet ride home.

 

Week Ending February 6th, 2005:

Papa and I played a spectacular set at the American Dental Association's roast of oral surgeon, Dr. Virgil Humbleby, from Canarsie.  Nothing like a little laughing gas to loosen up an audience.  In return for our performance, Dr. Humbleby pulled out my last two wisdom teeth, for the price of JUST ONE! And I can't say I've been in pain since the extraction!  I guess taking those painkillers really does the trick - just eight pills every hour, and I'm fine...That's funny, it says here ONE pill every EIGHT hours.  I must have read that wrong!  Boy, I'm really sleepy.  I'll have to finish

Week Ending March 6th, 2005:

Okay this is really trippy!  I woke up this morning ready to write all about a spectacular night that Papa and I had and when I sat on the couch with my bowl of Papa's own homemade Cream of Barley to watch the morning news, it said that today is March 6th!  "Now, wait a minute, aren't we still in February," I asked my cat.  So I ran to the computer and lo and behold, my last entry says February, but the TV and the radio and the newspaper say March! Now, I don't know how that can be, that we missed a whole month.  I know last night, Papa and I had this crazy ride with some aliens.  Yes, they were green, they were small with big heads, and they could really dance.  There were three of them, they accidentally tripped over the open guitar case we had on the subway platform to collect money as Papa and I sang for some supper, and they invited us out for drinks.  They took us to this really cool bar, with the tiniest drinks and really big chairs, and there was this tea party, and there was this blonde girl with a whole stack of post-its that she kept reading ALOUD!  And there was a cat sitting in this huge tree in the MIDDLE OF THE BAR!  My cat and he really got along.  I remember playing cards and I had the Queen of Hearts and so I won, and Papa played a guitar while smoking the chuka, and they offered us roasted white rabbit on foccacia with swiss and arugula, but we said no because we had just eaten these great salads before we left the house.  Actually, that was the last thing I do remember for sure.  I finished my last entry, I had just taken my eighth painkiller that hour and Papa gave me this great salad with all the fixins and I remember I said to him, "Hey Papa, pass me the French will ya?"  Oh and then, "Where did you get these mushrooms?"

Week Ending March 13th, 2005:

On Tuesday, Papa and I really turned up the heat when we played the Syracuse Polar Bear Club's 13th Annual "End of Winter Dip."  Clad in our matching two-piece, day-glo orange swim suits, Papa and I were significantly overdressed!  Nothing beats watching fans shake, rattle and roll to our tunes in the nude!  As the set progressed, the crowd's appreciation grew and grew (especially among the male swimmers in the crowd.)  Except for contracting a touch of frostbite after being fished out when I lost my footing leading the crowd in a good ol' Electric Slide, the event was a success.  Thank Heavens Mrs. Brockton (Polar Bear Club Secretary) had requested an "unplugged set" - that could have been messy!

Week Ending March 20th, 2005:

Well it was a busy week.  Refusing to be defeated by the low turn-out at our scheduled autograph signing at the Paramus Institute for the Blind - okay, it was a zero turn-out - Papa and I threw ourselves into rehearsals for St. Augustus' Easter Pageant.  We had to get fitted for cotton tails and everything!  We finished the week by placing 2nd in the Marta Flores Studio of Dance Spring Break Ballroom Dance Meet.  Bernie and Gladys (No. 26) proved unbeatable once again!

Week Ending March 27th, 2005:

After a week of intensive line memorization, costume fittings, jazz dance rehearsals and vocal warm-ups, Papa and I gave an unforgettable performance in the Easter Pageant at St. Augustus.  Thanks to a last minute drop-out due to salmonella poisoning, Papa was re-cast in the dual role of Bunny AND Shepherd.  Unfortunately, Papa's wool allergies kicked in right in the middle of Act I, so the "sheep" had to perform their Act II opening square dance in the buff (we lost 1/3 of the audience).  Our interpretive dance duet, "Bunnies in Love", was a real show-stopper - literally.  I believe the court order states that our "re-enactment of the mating habits of rabbits brought new meaning to the word 'OFFENSIVE'."  So much for realism in theater.  Unfortunately, our "fourth wall" may be comprised of bars!

Week Ending April 3rd, 2005:

Papa and I flew to Akron, OH to do a performance by special request at St. John's Reform School for Girls.  We were greeted by our personal guides for the day, two lovely senior students, Patricia "The Mack" MacKenzie and Sheila Wilson, who asked to be called by her birthname, Bones.  We had time to kill before our Lunch Period gig in the cafeteria, and so we began the day with our guides by locking unsuspecting Freshmen in their lockers.  Next, we tissue-papered the teachers' lounge during homeroom.  Who knew Charmin had so many decorative possibilities?!  We followed our interior design experimentation with an intensive in blowing smoke rings in the girls' bathroom.  Papa, no stranger to the girls' room in his high school days, impressed the girls with his cigarette rolling prowess (Lord knows he's a pro!).  We cut gym and slashed the teachers' tires before being led to the cafeteria for our performance.  By the time we were ready to go on, Papa had acquired quite a group of adoring teens.  They were careful not to step on my toes, though (it wasn't for nothing that I showed the girls my "Love Bitch" tattoo with the skull bones), and a few girls were even able to pry my fashion secrets from me.  Lenscrafters, watch out!!

Week Ending April 10th, 2005:

Finally received our invitation by mail to audition for Jeopardy's Music Legends Week.  The committee president was very coy in his letter, claiming to have "never heard" of us (?!?) but to be "oddly intrigued" by our video submission.  He must have been impressed by Papa's infinite well of knowledge, my cat-like reflexes with the buzzer, our ingenious incorporation of the microphones in our choreography, the eighty-six words we used in the chorus to rhyme with "Trebek", not to mention my cat's dead-on impersonation of Alex Trebek.  As soon as we finish our gig at the upcoming "Sock Hop" sponsored by DARN IT! - a monthly workshop in mending socks at the Wichita Falls' Galleria Mall - we are going to take a break from performing to concentrate on prepping for the Jeopardy audition.  My cat has already begun coaching me on Human Anatomy.

Week Ending April 17th, 2005:

Papa began his annual duties as coach of the infamous Little Leaguers, The Palindromes.  While deceptively unathletic in appearance, the secret to The Palindromes undefeated record two years in a row is their ability to crack any pitch code relayed between catcher and pitcher and counter with the perfect bat swing to make a home run.  Papa starts every season with a pop quiz on required off-season reading by Dan Brown, followed by a review in Symbology 101 and a road trip to some museum in some international capital to find hidden meanings in a dozen works of art.  He's just returned from London with the team, and survived with only one arrest when chubby John-John Tompkins began chiseling away at The Venus Di Milo's skirt wrap to disclose some secret "treasure".  Ah, puberty spares no one.

Week Ending April 24th, 2005:

Making real progress with my studies for our Jeopardy audition next month.  My cat grilled me on the conjugation of one hundred verbs in Latin and Cantonese, and I can now pronounce the capitals of all the countries of THREE continents in English, Spanish and Yugoslavian.  Papa has been focusing intensely on ancient spiritual practices of the East.  With his relentless dedication, I am sure that if asked, we would be able to demonstrate ANY position of the Kama Sutra with authority.  Not only is my brain exhausted, but so are my limbs!

Week Ending May 1st, 2005:

I've been in bed all week with a "change of season" cold.  "Doctor" Papa has been a real angel.  I've been treated to daily concoctions of Papa's homemade "Herbal Cold Remedy" that I have to sip every four hours.  Papa makes sure to use only organic ingredients in his brothy brew.  I am guessing that the secret cure must be the infusion of those dried flakes he keeps in his top drawer in the cutest little miniature ziploc baggies.  Oregano, perhaps?  At any rate, my appetite has definitely stayed healthy - I am eating almost as often as I am sipping Papa's brew.  Luckily, Papa has been baking a lot of brownies lately, his favorite!  Feed a cold, starve a fever, they say!

Week Ending May 8th, 2005:

Papa and I got word that we've been asked to participate in the New York Fringe Festival this summer.  While we do love touring, the prospect of staying in the city this summer is very tempting.  We just have to find a way to appease the managers at nationwide Pluck-U Chicken Grill restaurants who were expecting the launch of our "Shake and Bake" National Tour this summer (I shake and Papa bakes, naturally).  Hmm, looks like we'll be fryin' up lots of taters next month!  I knew we should have read the "breach of contract" clause more carefully before we signed the contract.

Week Ending May 15th, 2005:

I began a new class in "Intensive Film Making".  Going by the class title, I thought it would be a specialty class with focus on making deep, heart-wrenching, nailbiting films, but turns out we just cram about two-weeks' worth of work into each half-day session, go figure.  I hate false advertising!  My first project, which I like to call "Soul Searching", is due for an in-class screening next week.  It runs about four hours long and basically follows Papa as he desperately tries to find his car keys (that I hid for effect).  I had to edit out about 90 minutes of it for "strong language" when I finally told Papa where I hid his keys (my cat wasn't too pleased to feel the cold steel in his litter box either).  But I think that with Papa's matinee idol looks, my steady control of the camera, and the cliffhanger ending, I should get an A+!

Week Ending May 22nd, 2005:

I've begun gardening on my windowsill.  It's a menagerie of flower pots brimming with the promise of life-affirming growth (at least that's what it says on this bag of Miracle Gro).  Papa and my cat will be pleased that we can recommence with our daily morning helpings of my home-brewed herbal infusions, especially with my cat's eczema in full-force.  I've even decided to market my own line of infusions to sell at our upcoming gigs.  But this time, I will take sole charge of the brewing.  Although Papa meant well in sharing his culinary inventiveness, I think the addition of his "special herb" increased my infusion's natural calming effect to alarming levels.  It took us three hours to wake up Grandma, who collapsed after spinning like a whirli-gig for two hours in front of the TV, singing "Blowing in the Wind" at the top of her lungs (Bob Dylan, watch out!).  We still get letters from her lawyers.

Week Ending June 19th, 2005:

Well, I am glad to be back, it has been a harrowing month - I lost my computer.  I was being a diligent writer and journal-keeper and decided that I must keep my computer with me at all times to enter in all the brilliant thoughts that constantly flood my brain.  I sat at many a cafe booth and bus-stop to tap at the keyboard, my most witty observations captured in full-color display on my computer screen.  Unfortunately, lugging a desktop tower computer is really hard on the back, and so one morning, after downing an iced Chai and biscotti at my local cafe, Cuppa Joe's, I toted my computer and my aching back to the chiropractor Papa suggested, and in my reverie, left without my computer.  It wasn't until Papa returned from his stint as Guest Chef at the Culinary Institute of Paramus, asking to read my latest entry, that I realized that I was computer-less!  I was sure that a 1995 Umax Desktop Tower would be easy to retrieve, but turns out there was someone else who appreciates the classics as much as me.  A month's earnings from busking, added to Papa's wages from teaching private Suzuki violin lessons at the local correctional facility, allowed us to purchase a brand new LAPTOP, a Mac Powerbook 3400!  Sure, it's not the newest model, but then again, neither are Papa nor I!

Week Ending June 26th, 2005:

Papa and I just finished shooting our very own info-mercial for a new product that Papa invented, called "Fro Yo' Soul".  Now you too can emulate the hair fashion and funk that is Papa Scott Soul with just two squirts on the scalp, twice a day, for 14 days!  We were forced to go over shooting schedule when my bad aim caused an overgrowth of my eyelashes, sealing my eyelids shut for two days.  The paramedics thought they'd seen everything!  But I did convince two of them to give testimony for the info-mercial.  Now we just watch the money pour in!!

Week Ending July 3rd, 2005:

Papa and I received word this week that we were not picked as contestants on Jeopardy after auditioning back in May.  Turns out Tony Orlando and one of Dawn were more prepared than us.  Tony did ask (how did he get our number?) if I would fill in for the missing Dawn, but there was no way I was going to abandon my Papa, the nerve!  Broke my signature glasses practicing for my Irish step dancing recital next week at O'Flannery's Pub & Grill.  With only one lens intact, I've had to rely on Papa's arm to lead me everywhere.  You can imagine the surprise when I sat down to order a veggie burger and got a lap dance instead!  I don't remember the waitresses at Shanti Health Haven being so friendly.  Or so scantily-clad, come to think of it.  I guess they got a new manager, the usual "Chants of the East" ambient music was replaced by an onslaught of disco music in heavy rotation.  What they need to replace are a couple of light bulbs, it was unusually dark in there.  And they should replace the fridge, while they're at it - I think their oranges went bad, because the orange juice in my Sunburst Health Shake tasted just like alcohol!

Week Ending July 10th, 2005:

Papa is a little miffed with me because I told him that I want to go and audition for the Pleasantville Players production of Cats.  Of course, Pride and Soul is my priority! However, I figured that since being a Broadway star has always been a secret dream of mine (even if it is "Broadway Ave." in Pleasantville), I should go for it while the opportunity presents itself, and I happened to see the flyer for auditions at my annual Mid-Summer Yoga and Yogurt Retreat up in Pleasantville.  It would only be a month of rehearsals for a two week-run, which is easy to work out with our touring schedule.  Mr. Sunshine, my cat, is gearing up to help me with intensive character study.  But I do hate to see Papa pout.  I told Papa he should audition too, the way he sings "Memories" in the tub makes him a shoo-in for sure!

Week Ending July 17th, 2005:

Well, I didn't get into the Pleasantville Players production of Cats after all.  I think my inner cat was just a little too "lion" for them (blame my over-achieving coach, Mr. Sunshine).  But Papa starts rehearsals Labor Day.  Lucky for him there was a jacuzzi in the theater bathroom big enough to accommodate the entire casting team - I think they've decided to work the jacuzzi into the show somehow.  It's been a whole cat week - Papa and I rescued a kitten from under our tour van.  He's a real sweetheart, Mr. Moonbeam.  Unfortunately, Mr. Sunshine hasn't been quite as accommodating.  I didn't realize a kitten could breathe for that long buried under wet cat litter!  He's a resilient one, that Mr. Moonbeam!

Week Ending July 24th, 2005:

I'm feeling a little blue this week.  I've tried cheering myself up with daily walks through the park, Organic Iced Chai Latte in hand (that I made myself) but it doesn't seem to be helping.  Usually, when I feel this way, and the nature walks don't help, I'll volunteer my time for some noteworthy organization, to share in the spirit of community.  So, I volunteered as a chef at The Bronxville Outreach Center for the Homeless.  I brought in all my favorite French recipes from when I was an "au pair" in Paris - Coq au Vin, Salade Pois Chiches, Paillardes de Poulet - my Coulis aux Framboises was a smash.  Unfortunately, my recipes only serve four, so I had everyone draw straws to see who would get a helping.  The director wasn't too fond of this idea and finally sent me packing.  Come to think of it, the family I lived with in Paris wasn't too keen on drawing straws either (they were a family of six).  Some people just don't know how to go with the flow, I guess.

Week Ending August 14th, 2005:

Been a while, couldn't keep up the blog, what with all the preparation for The New York International Fringe Festival - try sewing fringe on suede vests (my thumbs are SORE!).  Opened this weekend to great reception by critics and fans alike, thank Heavens.  Guess our free preview at Lincoln Center really paid off, even if we were cited for indecent exposure and trespassing (it was a heat wave, there was a fountain, you can put the pieces together.  Hey, you'd do the same!).

Week Ending August 28th, 2005:

Finished our FringeNYC Festival run.  A lot of work but completely worth it.  We even got a booking to play the Murray J. Warner Funeral Home chains throughout Idaho in October.  I hope we get to try the potatoes.  School starts next week, Papa will be busy with his seminars on Computational Microphysics.  I decided that  I would teach a class myself to keep busy while Papa's lecturing away.  Haven't received too many registrants for my course, "Hairballs: A Comb-through Study", but the season is still young.

Week Ending October 9th, 2005:

Sorry to my friends and fans for being so out of touch!!  Truth be told, I've been in daily therapy for the past month and a half for separation anxiety from my cat, Mr. Moonbeam.  Turns out that Mr. Moonbeam and Mr. Sunshine are arch enemies.  Despite my talks (I've learned to speak "Meow"), despite afternoons watching Oprah, all three of us cozy on the couch, despite theater movement games (I had Mr. Moonbeam and Mr. Sunshine "mirror" each other for two hours one day), despite illegal prescription drugs, they just refused to get along.  And, well, Papa LOVES Mr. Sunshine, he was our first pet together after our prison release, so I had to find a new home for Mr. Moonbeam (hence, the separation anxiety).  My cousin, Prudence, is taking him in.  Her iguana loves company, so there shouldn't be a problem.

Week Ending November 6th, 2005:

Wow, almost an entire month has passed since my last entry.  Well, to be honest, it has been a rocky, if not eventful, month:  Papa and I had a big fight and actually broke up the band.  We both decided to launch solo careers: I did a spell up in the Catskills with my riveting one-act, " A Woman With No Soul".  The endless, tiresome nights as a woman on the road alone brought its own bag of problems, what with the drugs and the groupies, and the all-night parties.  It wasn't long before I checked myself in to Betty Ford to recuperate and recover.  Meanwhile, Papa rode the book circuit promoting his best-selling tell-all, "Living With Pride."  He was offered a movie deal, and went out to LA to star in the film, opposite Angelina Jolie as me (!).  It was an unforseen double booking at the Ronkonkoma Public Library that brought us face to face, and it was love at first sight all over again.  We decided to do an impromptu reunion show right there on the spot, and we have never been apart since then!  And he's promised that I can star in "Living With Pride 2- The Reunion"!  I love that man!

Week Ending November 20th, 2005:

I've become the Fitness Queen - I am on a mission to turn my funkified bod into a work of toned art!  Papa thinks I am loony, but I don't care - he's just a very accepting and supportive partner, but I know when I'm pinching more than an inch, even in the metric system!  And no matter that Thanksgiving is only days away.  I am serving up a feast of my very own creation, Roasted Soykey.  It's a soy-based turkey for the dieting crowd - healthy without sacrificing flavor!  And let's not forget my corn-bread toffing - that's tofu stuffing for low-carb fanatics.  It's gonna be great.  Oh shoot, my hands are all sticky from my Rice Krispie treat, I'd better Windex the keyboard.  Hey, time for Fit-TV, my workout program is coming on!  Toodles!

Week Ending November 27th, 2005:

Well, my stomach's full from all the turkey and sweet-potato pie (okay, okay, I'll be the first to admit that tofu just doesn't cut it for Thanksgiving).  After a weekend of Turkey Sandwiches, Turkey Pot Pie, Eggs and Turkey Hash, Sweet Potato Turkey Pancakes, Turkey and Jelly crackers, Turkey-Kebabs, Fried Turkey Fritters, and Turkeyloaf, I think Papa and I are ready to go back to our high-fiber vegetable diet!  Plus Papa's ears are still plugged up - Papa was a proud handler of the Dora the Explorer balloon for its anticipated debut at the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.  That is until a gust of wind blew one of the wires into Papa's afro, instantly hoisting him 70 feet in the air upon Dora's back.  Parade planners were aghast by the sight of Papa's pants ALSO soaring 70 feet in the air, without Papa.  And everyone knows how much Papa loves to go "commando" (or at least they do now)!  Papa still can't hear, and his legs are covered in tiny welts, but he enjoyed his bird's-eye view of the festivities.

Week Ending December 18, 2005:

Haven't begun shopping yet - always a last-minute shopper!  I already know what I am getting Mr. Sunshine (I hope he can handle a wedge heel).  The problem is I don't know what to get Papa.  What do you get a guy who has everything?!  I told him to give me a hint as to what he'd like for Christmas, but I have yet to receive any word from him. Other than leaving the place a mess, with empty, mini zip-lock baggies and cigarette wrapping paper EVERYWHERE I turn, and his new-found interest in Dutch culture (I found a travelogue on Amsterdam), not to mention the boxes of brownie mixes he keeps forgetting to put away in the cupboard, Papa's just not making an effort at all with this Christmas present thing!!  Oh well, looks like it's gonna be another custom-made Afro-pick!

Week Ending January 29, 2006:

Yes, it has been a while.  Papa and I were overseas butterfly hunting in the Ganges for the holidays (we don't kill them, just catch them, sillies!) and we've just returned. And right on time, it seems.  I've received an invitation to revive my star turn as "Doodle" of "Cock n' Doodle" - my special trapeze act - with the Pick n' Peck Chicken Circus.  Unfortunately, I will have to replace my trapeze partner, Patsy the Rooster, due to an unforseeable mishap during our closing performance last spring.   Patsy, battling an acute case of bronchitis, went overboard with the Vick's Vapor Rub, causing me to lose my grip on him when reaching for his wattle midair.  He was never to return to the stage again.  I saw him for the last time days after.  Don't think it was exactly what Patsy had in mind when he would always whine for us to have him over for dinner.  Tastes just like chicken.

Week Ending March 5th, 2006:

I've just received my laptop back after customs officers at the Helsinki Airport mistook Papa's and my home video for porno!  I mean, come on, our dialogue is MUCH better than a porno!  It's really cold up here in Helsinki, and had I done my homework, I probably would not have chosen Helsinki for our Bikini Beach-Blanket Tour, but it was the first city that I could come up with that rhymed with bikini (sort of) so it seemed logical to me.  Plus Papa waxed for the occasion.  Thank Heavens too, because it made it easier to peel him off the bank of ice he froze to while performing a half-split.  I don't think I'll be able to convince Papa to wear speedos again!

Week Ending March 19, 2006:

Papa and I had a wonderful time at our AHEMth High School Reunion!  Everyone said I looked just the same, which makes sense, since I am wearing the same exact clothes I wore back then!  Papa was voted "Most Popular" at our reunion class poll, which is the same title he won back in High School! Which is even more remarkable, since it was an all-girls High School.  Go figure, when you've got it, you've got it!

Week Ending May 7, 2006:

Spring has sprung!  I'm feeling light and cheery these days.  Papa and I have resumed our seasonal morning walks through the park, feeding the squirrels, flower picking, running naked through the fountains, making sweet love in the wilderberry patches...just some good ol' fashioned fun.  Even Mr. Sunshine seems to have fallen prey to the love rousings of the season.  There is quite a choir of feline femmes singing his praises outside my window every night.  Oh, he's our little "Pimp Catty".